my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
