Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The uberlube is also flammable
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
