Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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