And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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