And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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