Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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