a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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