hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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