fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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