i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
