upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
