Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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