Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
