ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
