I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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