2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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