My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
