i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
