life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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