I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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