you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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