You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
