She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
