I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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