oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
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The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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