My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize