can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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