Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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