i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
