I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
