i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
