I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
