one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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