I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
