bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
