Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
