i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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