i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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