Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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