woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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