the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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