I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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