This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
