I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
