Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
