My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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