Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
