just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
