Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
