sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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