dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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