That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
