Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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