Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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