The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
