I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
