She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
