whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
