It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Houston, we have a blender
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
